There’s a miracle somewhere in that, too.

A few months ago, I heard my own heartbeat for the first time in the twenty one years that I’ve been alive. For most people, it’s not that big of a deal, but for me, it was unlike everything I’ve ever experienced. It was almost like I was really seeing the world for the first time. I was seeing how beautiful and unique and amazing the world was.

I was born a perfectly happy, healthy, normal baby, and around the age of five, I was diagnosed as having mild cerebral palsy, total deafness in my left ear and a mild hearing-impairment in my right. After my diagnosis, my family was unsure of how I was going to handle every day situations. They struggled with whether I should be taught sign language or not because there was that possibility that I could get so sick that I’d lose my hearing for good and it never would come back. They poured over the fact that I may never hear the words “I love you”, or much less hear the impact of those three beautiful words. They feared that I would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life because I couldn’t stand up or walk on my own, and they breathed a sigh of relief when I started walking on my own when I was two years old. I had constant speech therapy in school because I was unable to pronounce simple words. But, I thrived. I threw myself in activities in school- PALS, Student Council, Clinical Rotations- you name it and  ended up graduating high school as a Magna Cum Laude honor student.

Growing up was always a struggle for me. I’ve always been so lucky to have an incredible circle of friends and family, who have showed nothing but compassion and an undying support for me- for the things I believe in, for my dreams, for the woman that I am becoming, and the woman that I ultimately want to become. Fitting in was an everyday battle. The relentlessness of being teased for being different than other children because I had a wear an old-school microphone system that connected a wire from my hearing aid was one of the hardest lessons that I’ve ever had to learn. It took a long time to get rid of the hate in my heart for the things that were said to me. I will never forget a little girl telling me that I should play somewhere else because I couldn’t hear her. I want to believe in forgiveness. I want to believe that I have the capacity in my heart to forgive someone. Forgiveness is never easy. Bitterness is easy. Hatred is easy. But forgiveness? That’s a tough one. And I do. Even after all this time, I forgive the girls who made my life a living hell. Who made it harder than it needed to be growing up. I realized that we’re all going through the same hell, but we just find our way back in different ways.

I can remember having to get evaluated by a psychologist when I was around fifteen and had to take a career-aptitude test. I proudly told him that I wanted to be a doctor. I was so set in what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be, that I didn’t care who knew. I just wanted to shout it out to the world. I remember so vividly, sitting in that cold office with chairs that seemed like they were made of stone, and hearing the harsh words coming from his mouth. I would never be a doctor, much less a nurse, he told me. I would never succeed in a university, or even a community college. He told me that all I would amount to was being an ultrasound technician and going to a technical school. I would never be anything. I sat there, with words burning in my mouth, ready to just explode. The first thing I said to my mother as I walked out was “He’s wrong. I’m gonna show him. When he arrives at the hospital I’m working at and needing care from me, I’m going to stand in front of him, firm, and tell him that his words only made me work harder.”

Six years later, I’m even closer to making it than I was before. I’m twenty-one years old and I attend one of the best UNIVERSITIES in the nation. I’ve realized that nursing is my passion. Nursing gives me the outlet to help other people the way they deserve to be helped. I won’t say that it’s been easy, because it hasn’t. There have been days where I feel like I’m locked inside a prison- a prison of my mind and I’m still struggling to find out who I am, and there have been days where I’m the happiest person in the world. I still have to work ten times harder than the average college student, but it’s been so worth it. I’m still two years away from graduating, and there have been times where I absolutely hate it and want to transfer or drop out, but the words of that psychologist still fuel a fire in my soul, and that’s more than enough to keep me going.

You might wonder why I’m not writing my usual quotes, or why I’m even writing about this. Honestly, I have no clue why I’m writing this either. The words on this page are probably far more than I’ve even revealed to even my best friends. I am horrible at trusting people because I’ve been burned one too many times. There’s always something about revealing a part of me to other people because I know that people always leave. The people that were there for you before won’t be there for you nine months later.  Maybe, by writing this, a little bit of me is hoping that other people understand me more. That other people understand who I am and where I’m coming from. Maybe writing this was just so I can finally be free of all the things and thoughts that chain me. I don’t know. But the one thing I do know? I’ve heard my heart beat for the first time. And miracles happen every day. And yes, I’m still waiting to hear the magical words of “I love you.” But maybe, there’s a miracle somewhere in that, too.

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17 thoughts on “There’s a miracle somewhere in that, too.

  1. Taelor says:

    I have been reading your blog forever. Ever since you first started on tumblr. I was so incredibly moved by your story that it made me cry. I don’t even know you and I am SO proud of you. You are one amazing woman, even more amazing than I thought you were. I’m in nursing school as well, maybe someday down the line, I will have the privilege of meeting you. Thank you for being such an inspiration to me.

  2. dane says:

    Wow..you’re such an amazing person.. ohh how I wish I could talk to you personally even just for a while. God really has greater plans for our lives..and I believe that one of the plan He had for you is to inspire other people through your stories..thank you for always inspiring me..for inspiring us..thank you for touching our lives every time we open your blog.. What’s your name? God Bless you always! More power! 🙂

  3. S.C. says:

    I want to say I am sorry for what you have to go through, but I know “sorry” is not enough, is not even remotely enough to alleviate your pains; furthermore “sorry” perhaps is not what you are seeking. So let me say I admire your incredible courage, and I hope and pray for your dreams to come true.

  4. Natasha Colpetzer says:

    I absolutely love reading your site. You truly inspire me not only with your quotes and what passion you bring out with them, but your story. I also had a rough childhood, but just like you I grew up strong and have showed all the people who told me I was going to amount to nothing what a true survivor is. The crazy thing is you don’t even know me, but I read your site everytime you update it, waiting for the next one. I just wanted to tell you that you are a true inspiration for girls, and well just about anyone out there. And I thank you for that.

  5. Ashasummer says:

    That was so beautiful! I don’t know you but, let me say thank you for being an inspiration… I found your site when i was in my lowest moment… And it never fails to inspire me, cheer me up. Thank you and i’m always be praying for you and cheering for you… Be well and continue on 🙂

  6. Ashasummer says:

    That was so beautiful!! You’re such an inspiration and i’m so happy for you. i don’t know you, but i’m so thankful in finding this site, i found it accidentally when i was in my lowest moment… And i was truly inspired and cheered by all the quotes and writings… Thank you and i’ll be always be praying for you and cheering for you! Continue on…. And may God always bless you 🙂

  7. Vanessa says:

    I think what you just shared is beautiful! Forgiveness is such a hard thing to so specially to those who hurt us emotionally & mentally! I really hope your I love you wish come true just remember LOVE comes in different ways! Take care Nessa!

  8. Joyce Choy says:

    Hi Miracle,

    I am Joyce from Malaysia. I was about to look for some articles about how beautiful life is and I saw your blog. You are such a gifted person. I read through your story and it was very impressive and touching.

    Growing up as a fat child, I had been bullied in class during my primary school and being looked down as well. I am just like you..those who looked down on me and I will definitely show them and proof them wrong.

    I am now 36 years old. Just resigned from my job as a Marketing Executive. I been through few industry and career change in life. I always asking who am I and whow should I be in this world and what is my mission in life?

    I am a Buddhist but I read books written by pastor. When I was young, I did a lot of self talking and I believe I also communicating a lot with God. There’s miracles happened in my life before after I prayed and prayed so hard and I worked harder enough to achieve whatever I wanted to achieve.

    I definitely feel the existence of God in my life. Now, I am planning to take up courses in training and to become a motivational speaker in future. I have never worked in a higher management level but I believe in my life with the experiences I have been through I can help a lot of people by believing in their dreams.

    I am working hard now to lose weight and have good health physically and mentally at the same time. I can be reached at choypeichin@gmail.com or you may look for me in facebook under Joyce Choy and my profile picture is a Taiwanese male singer….

    Well…if you reply me then we can become friend…May God bless you and all your dreams will come true one day.

    Till then, take care. May I know your name?

    Always,
    Joyce Choy

  9. dixie says:

    I follow your blog, and love the quotes you assemble. I’m so glad you’ve overcome your adversity and are succeeding with giant strides. There’s something beautiful about being strong and prevailing through. Keep strong, it’s always going to be trying,but keep your head up high and keep moving forward. 🙂

  10. A.Smith says:

    I Have been following your blog for a long time now. & what you just wrote hit me stronger than anything ive ever seen on this blog. Stay strong girl ! & I hope you continue to find the peace that exits in your heart

  11. thatsamgirl says:

    You are amazing! ❤

  12. Fan#1 says:

    Dear fellow sufferer,

    There is something almost relieving or healing about sharing with others, parts of ourself that are so deep and personal to us. So I hope to do the same and share with you my story. For the majority of my life, I have been hiding. I was so scared to share with people…well…me. I don’t really know who that is yet, but all I know is that I had spent so much of my time conforming to others expectations, because I was scared of not being loved. I thought that if i could be someone else, someone who people could love or connect to, I would never have to be alone. Because at the end of the day, that is all that matters. I’m scared that if I show my true self to other people, they will leave me and I know that the instant response would be to say that, ‘well, if they don’t like you for you, then they don’t deserve to know or be with you’. And I know that. It’s just so hard to do and walk away, with the risk of being alone. I find it so hard to accept, because i just can’t do it. And as a consequence I’ve lost myself, my self confidence, my direction, my motivation, and I’m just so tired all the time. Sometimes I REALLY DO feel like putting my hands in the air and saying lord I just don’t care. And I just want to give up, because I know I’m in such a mess, and its so difficult to sort it and get who I am back. But anyway, I just wanted to end with the fact that although I feel like giving up most days, this site really helps me to just see a light at the end of tunnel and keeps my torch burning through the night, and I too am still waiting to hear the words ‘I love you’. X thank you for the inspiration and even though I may not know you personally, it takes some guts and courage to do what you do everyday: To fight Xxx

  13. Rainb0w says:

    When I first found your blog, I was looking for inspiration and some motivation, which you so greatly provided. I remember trying to find your “about page”, or just some more info about the person behind all those wise words and was disappointed to not find one. When you moved over to WordPress and started sharing pieces of your life, it was great to finally meet the person behind it all. You are a beautiful writer and your story is truly an inspiration to many. You prove that God works in miraculous ways and blesses His children dearly. Thank you for the reminder over the past few months. You are amazing!

  14. lisa shelton says:

    I just ran across your tumblr account while on pintrest. I’ve been having a tough time the past few days, and one of the pictures showed up with a quote very fitting. I clicked on it and took me to your blog. I just wanted to say THANK YOU. I read and read until I couldn’t read anymore. Everything you said made so much sense. You made my day better and I tracked down this new blog because I thought it was only right to tell you how much it meant to me and how much I relate. Thank you again, and keep sharing your thoughts and wisdom.
    -lisa

  15. Eliana says:

    What i just read almost made me cry. I have bookmarked your website on my phone, and when i am feeling lonely, when i am missing people i love and i cant have, or when i am negative about everything i just visit your beautiful website and i always always feel better. But today, what i read made me angry for those people who made your life harder instead of trying to see what an amazing and strong person you are. I admire you. There are days that i really want to give up what i’m doing, but -even if you think what im saying is weird- you truly inspired me. I am sure you will become a wonderful nurse, and dont you ever give up! May God always be by your side 🙂

  16. millz says:

    THANK YOU JESUS AND GOD BLESS!!!! U JUSS Helped sooo many people … and u dnt even kno it!!! May tha Lord continue to bless you 🙂 one Love♡

  17. Theekey says:

    Hey dere.

    I’ve been following ur blog for like forever aNd I rely admire you.
    Anyway I hope you are doing okay because it has been a while you havent updated anything.

    Take care…

    Lots of love,
    Theekey

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